I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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