News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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