I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
