hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
