So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
