Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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