I wish my penis had an off switch
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
