When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
