just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
