i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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