Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
