i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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