Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
