Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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