I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
