You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
