..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
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