i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
