i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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