just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize