just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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