I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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