Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
