So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
