Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize