Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
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