I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
