we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
