i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
