and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
