mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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