do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
