does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
