you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
