No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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