If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
