I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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