dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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