no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
