On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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