It's like a parade of train wrecks.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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