So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
its liver damage thursday
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
