my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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