My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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