New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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