He is like the real live version of the state fair..
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
