My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
