Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize