Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
love makes seman taste better
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize