I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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