cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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