your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
