if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
