whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
