"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
