Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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