im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Is it penis luge time yet?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Randomize
