Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
