Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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