I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
So squirting runs in the family.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
how drunk are you?
Several
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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