Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Randomize
