Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize