Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Where is the hickey?
no, he came in my armpit
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
