I'm really into asian looking animals
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
