i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
