So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
